Here we go again! Lovely yet daunting September! This is a month of new beginnings for those going to school. With the new semester comes the promise of new accomplishments, new goals, new contacts and new challenges. But also comes the reality of learning curves, expectations, unknowns and feeling out of one’s depth. This can be a shaky, chaotic time. We need to surrender to the wave of unknown so that the discomfort doesn’t take over the joy of life in the moment. Here are some key tools to help you navigate the emotional labyrinth of the new school year.
Tool #1 Stop scaring yourself!
Feelings of self doubt and anxiety may often come up when one is looking at the newness experience as one big giant mountain as opposed to one small hill at a time. That mountain is full of what if’s (What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? What if I don’t measure up? What if they are better than me?) It is all future worrying. And please don’t confuse future worrying with future planning. Future worrying is when you are imagining the future will be too difficult or too scary to cope. The over focusing on a negative future almost always will compromise a joyful present moment. It will send alarmist messaging to the brain and this will inevitable paralyze you. Get into the now! The present is all we have. Everything else does not really exist. It has either passed or is up for grabs in the future. If you look at it this way, the present moment is quite calm. In the present moment all is well. The present is simple. If you focus solely on this very moment and get your head out of the imagined negative future, you may find that you feel better almost immediately. The truth is we do not have control over much of anything including outcomes or other people. What we do have some control over is our thoughts (even though these are quite difficult to master, it is the one area of control that we could really focus on as a disciplined practice!) Right here and right now is perfect even if it is flawed. Embrace the now as you will find that there is always something to learn and to grow from in the almighty “now”.
Tool # 2 Breathe!!
If you are having trouble with anxiety I highly encourage you to HALT all. HALT is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. During a new school year students tend to burn the candle at both ends. Balance goes out the window. Eating properly, sleeping well, and over working can corrode a sense of balance and ease. Any one of these states can create overwhelm and can bring on anxiety. If this is plaguing your being, then it is time to stop and regroup!! Sit still and begin to breathe very slowly and very deeply. Deep, slow and conscious breathing is by far the simplest, cheapest and most effective tool that can quickly move the person to stimulate the relaxation response when in a heightened state of being. Breathing can begin the slow but sure journey of building the relaxation neural pathways in the brain that are crucial to interrupting the anxiety auto response. Getting used to catching oneself at the beginning of an anxiety state and then consciously and deliberately slowing down the breathing will slow the heart beat and the mind right down. This will then gently shift the focus back to a present moment safe space. The here and the now. There are many breathing techniques but a simple one to slow down the breathing is to slowly breathe in to a count of 3 and out to a count of 3. Slowly increase the count to 4 in and 4 out and 5 in and 5 out etc.
Tool #3 Ask yourself: What is the evidence to support that thought?
The mind will make up stories! And you will believe those stories, especially if you grew up with a family that loves to “catasrophize” life. Make a list of the things that are scaring you. Then sit and meditate on each one and really look at the logical evidence. You may find that you are actually not that accurate about that fearful thought. Ask yourself what is the evidence that does not support the worry and fear thoughts? Use logic and reality based thinking as much as possible. Find other more balanced thoughts about the situation. For each negative, fearful thought you discover write a paragraph or more that consists of the opposite, more balanced and empowered thought. This will train your mind to not go off on a major negativity rant that prevents you from feeling good about your life.
Tool # 4 Play nice with your inner child please.
When going through new adventures it is important to focus often on being very kind to the part of you that is scared. Do not bully that part by engaging in a cruel inner dialogue of “shoulds” and “musts” and judgmental-ness. This will only set you up for depression and despair. Instead of saying you should do this or that, say “I get” to do this or that. That way you begin to condition the mind to see new and unknown events as filled with possibility as opposed to filled with monsters and mountains. Talk to yourself often, as a kind and understanding parent who would always give you support no matter what is going on. You may be an adult but the hurt or deprived child within may be longing for comfort and encouragement in the face of the new unknowns you are facing. This will calm the mind and the spirit. Also this will motivate you to keep going as opposed to giving up.
Good luck with the new year and know you are only given what you can in fact handle. With every new year comes a multitude of possibilities. Enjoy the ride. Surrender to the new and embrace all that is coming. The universe is always conspiring in ways that are bringing you closer to your life purpose. Sending you love and light.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Good Boundaries: The Key to Loving Yourself!
Boundaries and Self esteem are inextricably related. Having good boundaries is a sign that you are treating yourself as if you have value and therefore your feelings, needs, and preferences all matter. We are seldom taught within the context of childhood that we have a right to say no or to our privacy. In the interest of the group the “No” is often socialized out of the child. In some families we learn very early that the only way to get along is to comply and to subjugate our own individual needs and preferences in favour of the needs of the greater group.. the family.
Usually one of two states of being may evolve. Either one becomes very rebellious toward any authority figures (too rigid) or one becomes very conforming and compliant (aka having no boundaries). Neither scenario serves the person well. In the case of the rebellious one, usually they are cutting their nose to spite their face in that they are rejecting all advice; all interference in the name of staking their territory that they have felt had been usurped for too many years. Conversely, when one is too compliant usually others do not take the person seriously and then they end up feeling used and devoid of authenticity.
Becoming a fully balanced adult requires that you leave the past family dynamics behind and begin to see yourself as having the right to occupy space, have feelings, say no, say yes and be authentically yourself (aka having boundaries). And to do that you do not have to be completely rigid. You can assess things on a case by case basis. With good boundaries, you are allowing yourself the space and the time to feel a situation out, pause, and then respond according to your deepest authentic inner knowing.
Sometimes setting a boundary may feel strange due to a lack of habit. You may feel guilty that you are not pleasing the other person or that you are hurting their feelings. The truth is that practice is needed and also a commitment to delivering boundaries in a clear yet kind way is crucial. This will help the guilt feelings that may ensue from engaging in new boundary setting behaviour. Also it is important to really know that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings no matter what you were taught as a child. It is nearly impossible to venture into boundary setting territory and to also take care of other people’s emotions. All you can do is be calm and try and communicate in a gentle and loving manner. Being consistent and having follow- through will be the key to success in this touchy arena. Mixed messaging will only detract from your goal of being heard and respected.
Visualization works! Take a few moments to breathe deeply and visualize strength coming into your being. Visualize yourself being strong like an oak tree prior to setting a boundary in a difficult situation. See your spine and your body totally embodying the energy of a very large, wise, oak tree. Say this affirmation many times while looking in the mirror: “I have the right to my feelings, my needs, my boundaries and my space. I am strong, valuable and precious.”
Baby steps are the key. With time you will embrace the notion that you have a right to your boundaries. Others will hear the message that you are someone that has self esteem and self value. Eventually you will move into to a new normal of the new behaviour and you will feel a sense of freedom that you will cherish and protect.
Usually one of two states of being may evolve. Either one becomes very rebellious toward any authority figures (too rigid) or one becomes very conforming and compliant (aka having no boundaries). Neither scenario serves the person well. In the case of the rebellious one, usually they are cutting their nose to spite their face in that they are rejecting all advice; all interference in the name of staking their territory that they have felt had been usurped for too many years. Conversely, when one is too compliant usually others do not take the person seriously and then they end up feeling used and devoid of authenticity.
Becoming a fully balanced adult requires that you leave the past family dynamics behind and begin to see yourself as having the right to occupy space, have feelings, say no, say yes and be authentically yourself (aka having boundaries). And to do that you do not have to be completely rigid. You can assess things on a case by case basis. With good boundaries, you are allowing yourself the space and the time to feel a situation out, pause, and then respond according to your deepest authentic inner knowing.
Sometimes setting a boundary may feel strange due to a lack of habit. You may feel guilty that you are not pleasing the other person or that you are hurting their feelings. The truth is that practice is needed and also a commitment to delivering boundaries in a clear yet kind way is crucial. This will help the guilt feelings that may ensue from engaging in new boundary setting behaviour. Also it is important to really know that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings no matter what you were taught as a child. It is nearly impossible to venture into boundary setting territory and to also take care of other people’s emotions. All you can do is be calm and try and communicate in a gentle and loving manner. Being consistent and having follow- through will be the key to success in this touchy arena. Mixed messaging will only detract from your goal of being heard and respected.
Visualization works! Take a few moments to breathe deeply and visualize strength coming into your being. Visualize yourself being strong like an oak tree prior to setting a boundary in a difficult situation. See your spine and your body totally embodying the energy of a very large, wise, oak tree. Say this affirmation many times while looking in the mirror: “I have the right to my feelings, my needs, my boundaries and my space. I am strong, valuable and precious.”
Baby steps are the key. With time you will embrace the notion that you have a right to your boundaries. Others will hear the message that you are someone that has self esteem and self value. Eventually you will move into to a new normal of the new behaviour and you will feel a sense of freedom that you will cherish and protect.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tools to cope with Social Anxiety
Today I want to talk about something I'm getting a lot of letters about: social anxiety. A lot of people seem to suffer from it, and it can be paralyzing and crippling for many, at many levels, from shyness to deciding not to take a job or promotions for fear of talking publicly, not going out with friends, not doing family parties, not enjoying life: isolating, and life becomes smaller and smaller. And it's quite tragic, because there are strategies to handle this. But the roots of social anxiety are in the family of origin, from lack of support, or in the school system, there's bullying, acne, teasing, or sometimes it's just a chemical imbalance that causes cognitive distortions, so they're perceiving life differently than it is. So let's look at some key tools and strategies, and I encourage you to use them.
The first thing is, your brain is in fight or flight, and it perceives danger where there is no danger. The biochemistry is flowing in your system as if there were danger. In order to reverse that, something very simple: slow your breath down. When you're in a danger situation, your breath is shallow and fast, so you need to signal to the brain, “I am not in a danger situation,” and you need to reverse the perception, for instance with a deep breath in. Hold for a count of four, then slowly breath out. And you can do it through the nose, then mouth, but I like nose only. It's really powerful just to slow your breath down. Do 10-15 of those.
Secondly, an important strategy is to relax your muscles. There's a simple yogic way to do it: you tense a muscle, your arm for instance, tense, tense, tense, then relax. Then your other arm, each leg, then your whole body, and relax after each. This gets the body into a biochemical experience of releasing and relaxing. And you want to work with these two important tools of breathing and relaxing.
Number three: the cognitive. You need to identify the beliefs that are going on within you. You may be saying, “I'm going to say something stupid, so I may as well not go out,” or, “I'm going to drop something and look like a fool,” or, “I'm going to fall and people are going to make fun of me.” You need to identify the beliefs that exist and are coarsing through your brain, and the neural pathways, which are your beliefs, that are reinforcing the social anxiety. Write them all down. “I am afraid of being made fun of. I feel afraid of looking stupid.” Whatever they are. Write all of your feelings and thoughts down, and start to keep a journal of when they occur. “I go to the grocery store, and I feel this way, and this is the date. I go to the class, and this is what I feel, and the date.” Just get a log going so you can start to identify specifically when the social anxiety is occurring. Again, if you don't focus on what is wrong, you're never going to resolve it. So focus on it, and start to analyze when is it that your social anxiety shows up. And more importantly, what are the beliefs that are associated with that anxiety? Then I want you to go about a system of tracking these beliefs, and catching them as they are there, and speak with yourself rationally, as though you had a therapist dialoguing with you, and you need to ask yourself logically, “Am I 100% sure that I will be made fun of?” And clearly your answer needs to be no, because you're not 100% sure of just about anything. You're not sure that anyone is going to respond to you in any way. So you need to dialogue with yourself, take yourself through a process of understanding, “Is this realistic? Is this really going on? Is this something I'm really 100% certain of? Is my fear justified?” And write about that. Start to catch yourself, repeatedly, and rationally converse with yourself, in the moment you're feeling whatever you're feeling. The experience is that if you track and see what you're feeling, rather than just making it a huge monster, you're going to find that looking at it truly is going to make it a little less scary, and every time you do it, the fear will come down and down. So getting realistic thinking is very powerful, and reverses social anxiety.
The fourth tool: little by little, test yourself. Push the limits a little bit. While you're doing that, you're breathing deeply, and you're working with your muscles, so you're now coupling the situation that was once very scary to you, with a relaxation response, that is biochemically sending messages like, “There is no sabre-toothed tiger,” or, “There is no scary situation that is going to attack me.” So you need to work with yourself very patiently. I would also love to recommend fish oil: large doses of essential fatty acids, 2000-4000 mg, to help the brain calm. Also, Bach remedies has a wonderful remedy called “Rescue Remedy.” I recommend that you get a little spray bottle, and put a couple spray under your tongue when you're going out. It's got a variety of flower essences to bring the energy of anxiety down. Also, check out my Emotional Freedom Technique video on You Tube www.youtube.askvictora , which really helps to neutralize difficult emotions. I'm hoping that this will assist you, because all you have to do with social anxiety is focus, pay attention, and work to analyze, undo, cancel and correct those automatic responses that are not realistic.
The first thing is, your brain is in fight or flight, and it perceives danger where there is no danger. The biochemistry is flowing in your system as if there were danger. In order to reverse that, something very simple: slow your breath down. When you're in a danger situation, your breath is shallow and fast, so you need to signal to the brain, “I am not in a danger situation,” and you need to reverse the perception, for instance with a deep breath in. Hold for a count of four, then slowly breath out. And you can do it through the nose, then mouth, but I like nose only. It's really powerful just to slow your breath down. Do 10-15 of those.
Secondly, an important strategy is to relax your muscles. There's a simple yogic way to do it: you tense a muscle, your arm for instance, tense, tense, tense, then relax. Then your other arm, each leg, then your whole body, and relax after each. This gets the body into a biochemical experience of releasing and relaxing. And you want to work with these two important tools of breathing and relaxing.
Number three: the cognitive. You need to identify the beliefs that are going on within you. You may be saying, “I'm going to say something stupid, so I may as well not go out,” or, “I'm going to drop something and look like a fool,” or, “I'm going to fall and people are going to make fun of me.” You need to identify the beliefs that exist and are coarsing through your brain, and the neural pathways, which are your beliefs, that are reinforcing the social anxiety. Write them all down. “I am afraid of being made fun of. I feel afraid of looking stupid.” Whatever they are. Write all of your feelings and thoughts down, and start to keep a journal of when they occur. “I go to the grocery store, and I feel this way, and this is the date. I go to the class, and this is what I feel, and the date.” Just get a log going so you can start to identify specifically when the social anxiety is occurring. Again, if you don't focus on what is wrong, you're never going to resolve it. So focus on it, and start to analyze when is it that your social anxiety shows up. And more importantly, what are the beliefs that are associated with that anxiety? Then I want you to go about a system of tracking these beliefs, and catching them as they are there, and speak with yourself rationally, as though you had a therapist dialoguing with you, and you need to ask yourself logically, “Am I 100% sure that I will be made fun of?” And clearly your answer needs to be no, because you're not 100% sure of just about anything. You're not sure that anyone is going to respond to you in any way. So you need to dialogue with yourself, take yourself through a process of understanding, “Is this realistic? Is this really going on? Is this something I'm really 100% certain of? Is my fear justified?” And write about that. Start to catch yourself, repeatedly, and rationally converse with yourself, in the moment you're feeling whatever you're feeling. The experience is that if you track and see what you're feeling, rather than just making it a huge monster, you're going to find that looking at it truly is going to make it a little less scary, and every time you do it, the fear will come down and down. So getting realistic thinking is very powerful, and reverses social anxiety.
The fourth tool: little by little, test yourself. Push the limits a little bit. While you're doing that, you're breathing deeply, and you're working with your muscles, so you're now coupling the situation that was once very scary to you, with a relaxation response, that is biochemically sending messages like, “There is no sabre-toothed tiger,” or, “There is no scary situation that is going to attack me.” So you need to work with yourself very patiently. I would also love to recommend fish oil: large doses of essential fatty acids, 2000-4000 mg, to help the brain calm. Also, Bach remedies has a wonderful remedy called “Rescue Remedy.” I recommend that you get a little spray bottle, and put a couple spray under your tongue when you're going out. It's got a variety of flower essences to bring the energy of anxiety down. Also, check out my Emotional Freedom Technique video on You Tube www.youtube.askvictora , which really helps to neutralize difficult emotions. I'm hoping that this will assist you, because all you have to do with social anxiety is focus, pay attention, and work to analyze, undo, cancel and correct those automatic responses that are not realistic.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Watch Your Negative Running Commentary
I want to talk about your running commentary, that's going on in your brain. Very important. You've got to watch it, because that is setting up your vibration, and whatever your vibration is—I've said this many times—is what you're attracting towards you. If your running commentary is constantly the worst possible thing is going to happen, the what-if's, the worst-case scenario, constantly sitting in a negative state of mind, you will be attracting towards yourself negative states of being. I want to remind you to watch your running commentary. What I often tell my clients to do, and what I do myself when I catch myself in a running commentary that is negative, is to halt it, I stop immediately, and I begin to do positive running commentary. And don't take my word for it; watch the transformation begin to occur. Watch your life start to really change once again, because life is fluid, it's not rigid, and you need to remember that. People think, “This negative thing happened to me in the past, and sure as anything, it's going to happen in the future.” No, life is much more fluid than that, and much more attentive to your vibration, so get busy getting your vibration—determined by your thoughts—into a positive state of being. I encourage you to do an affirmation like, “Everything is working out better than I expect,” which takes care of any negative expectations. “The universe is conspiring in my favour. All is well. I am safe.” Even just saying, “All is well,” helps get that negative running commentary neutralized, and it will help anxiety come down as well, which a lot of people suffer from, with the way the world is, the economy, all the craziness, the terrorist attacks.
(2:10) People generally gravitate to a negative state of running commentary much more easily than to a positive state of running commentary. Also gratitude: going immediately into gratitude, even in a negative situation, being grateful for whatever, even for being alive in a negative situation. Just try to find something to be grateful for, and you'll find that your entire vibration, your thinking state, will shift quickly. As soon as you go into the vibration of gratitude, watch yourself immediately change! So watch your negative commentary, because it is not serving you in the least.
(2:10) People generally gravitate to a negative state of running commentary much more easily than to a positive state of running commentary. Also gratitude: going immediately into gratitude, even in a negative situation, being grateful for whatever, even for being alive in a negative situation. Just try to find something to be grateful for, and you'll find that your entire vibration, your thinking state, will shift quickly. As soon as you go into the vibration of gratitude, watch yourself immediately change! So watch your negative commentary, because it is not serving you in the least.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage
Today I would like to speak a little about being the child of a narcissistic parent. Primarily I have gotten some letters from adult children of narcissistic parents. Narcissistic personality disorder is along the lines of borderline personality disorder. Essentially, in this disorder, the person is extremely superiority oriented, and has difficulty receiving any kind of criticism. They think of themselves as better than anyone else. Very self-centred, self-involved, in a very extreme way. We all have self-involved ways of being, but this is an extreme sort of way of being. It's very volatile; it's dramatic, emotional, you never know what's coming at them; the person's up, they're down, they're depressed, they're screaming, they're yelling; their problems are the centre; their emotions are the centre of the room, and nobody else's emotions or feelings really matter to that person very much. They have a real difficult time in relationships. They feel victimized usually. They feel basically that their needs, their wants, their experience, are the only things that matters. They have a really tough time empathizing with others, and in my field, the ability to empathize and have compassion for another person indicates a person coming into mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
So I want to address being the child of a narcissistic parent. As you can imagine, what I'm describing this is extremely difficult. And these people, children of narcissists, generally feel there's always something missing within them. Not only that, they're looking for their self—where is their self? They've been surrounded by either one or two parents—usually a narcissist will attract another narcissist, interestingly enough—and it is a perpetuating cycle. But these are people who have grown up not knowing what their feelings are. They have always experienced the environment with the parent's feelings as the most important thing, and their own feelings have taken a back seat. So children of narcissists feel like the outsiders in their own families. They're people-pleasers. They sometimes sabotage their own self in order to please others, as you can imagine the pattern of the parent being the most important person in the room. They're not interested really in taking care of themselves, because the kid has realized that in order to get some attention, some affection, some something, they're going to have to play the game of the narcissistic parent. So in order to fit into that particular model, they've got to do whatever is right for the parent. And usually that means that they completely lose their sense of what is right for them, and they grow up as individuals in the adult world, in relationships, often either completely lost in terms of their own needs, or they themselves become narcissistic in a bid to survive, and in a bid to find some sort of voice, so the only way they know how to do that is by imitation of the narcissistic parent.
Often the narcissistic parent will mock the child, as they are having feelings, or interrupt the child as they're speaking, so the child of the narcissist will often feel like they can never get a word in edgewise, they can never feel heard, they can never feel seen. It is very painful—frankly, these people call themselves survivors, survivors of the narcissistic parent. It is very, very painful, and I really want to acknowledge everyone out there who has been the child of the narcissistic parent or parents.
You have to watch for a few things. Number one, you have to watch that you yourself are not attracting into your relationships narcissists as well. Because, as I've stated in other videos, we tend to repeat and mirror in our adult relationships our parental issues, in a bid to resolve them, in a bid to fix them in some way, in a bid to understand them. So watch that you're not bringing into your life other personality disorders that are similar to your parents'. And also watch that you yourself are not becoming narcissistic—become aware. So a lot of the tools to handle all of this would be, as an adult, realize that you no longer have to be at the mercy of your parents' narcissistic whims and narcissistic ways of being. You can start to shut that piece off inside you with awareness, and be very present, and in the moment within you, so that you say to yourself, “Am I being reasonable in this fight? Or am I being overly demanding? Or am I in a relationship that is just like my mother and father?” And if so, take stock. I encourage you to begin to write a journal and note-take, as you notice everything around you, and ask, are you yourself narcissistic? Or are you in a relationship with a narcissist, or are you suffering from the results, the ravages in the form of depression, in the form of not knowing yourself, not knowing your voice, not knowing who you are, not knowing what it is you need and want in your relationships? And begin very slowly to whisper those clear needs and wants within you. Soon, those needs and wants will become louder. But they'll become louder in a more balanced way. Because self-acknowledgment is the beginning of healing. Self-compassion, self-love, self-empathy is the real beginning of healing. So that is what I want you to really work on. And I just want to say that I have a lot of compassion for you.
So I want to address being the child of a narcissistic parent. As you can imagine, what I'm describing this is extremely difficult. And these people, children of narcissists, generally feel there's always something missing within them. Not only that, they're looking for their self—where is their self? They've been surrounded by either one or two parents—usually a narcissist will attract another narcissist, interestingly enough—and it is a perpetuating cycle. But these are people who have grown up not knowing what their feelings are. They have always experienced the environment with the parent's feelings as the most important thing, and their own feelings have taken a back seat. So children of narcissists feel like the outsiders in their own families. They're people-pleasers. They sometimes sabotage their own self in order to please others, as you can imagine the pattern of the parent being the most important person in the room. They're not interested really in taking care of themselves, because the kid has realized that in order to get some attention, some affection, some something, they're going to have to play the game of the narcissistic parent. So in order to fit into that particular model, they've got to do whatever is right for the parent. And usually that means that they completely lose their sense of what is right for them, and they grow up as individuals in the adult world, in relationships, often either completely lost in terms of their own needs, or they themselves become narcissistic in a bid to survive, and in a bid to find some sort of voice, so the only way they know how to do that is by imitation of the narcissistic parent.
Often the narcissistic parent will mock the child, as they are having feelings, or interrupt the child as they're speaking, so the child of the narcissist will often feel like they can never get a word in edgewise, they can never feel heard, they can never feel seen. It is very painful—frankly, these people call themselves survivors, survivors of the narcissistic parent. It is very, very painful, and I really want to acknowledge everyone out there who has been the child of the narcissistic parent or parents.
You have to watch for a few things. Number one, you have to watch that you yourself are not attracting into your relationships narcissists as well. Because, as I've stated in other videos, we tend to repeat and mirror in our adult relationships our parental issues, in a bid to resolve them, in a bid to fix them in some way, in a bid to understand them. So watch that you're not bringing into your life other personality disorders that are similar to your parents'. And also watch that you yourself are not becoming narcissistic—become aware. So a lot of the tools to handle all of this would be, as an adult, realize that you no longer have to be at the mercy of your parents' narcissistic whims and narcissistic ways of being. You can start to shut that piece off inside you with awareness, and be very present, and in the moment within you, so that you say to yourself, “Am I being reasonable in this fight? Or am I being overly demanding? Or am I in a relationship that is just like my mother and father?” And if so, take stock. I encourage you to begin to write a journal and note-take, as you notice everything around you, and ask, are you yourself narcissistic? Or are you in a relationship with a narcissist, or are you suffering from the results, the ravages in the form of depression, in the form of not knowing yourself, not knowing your voice, not knowing who you are, not knowing what it is you need and want in your relationships? And begin very slowly to whisper those clear needs and wants within you. Soon, those needs and wants will become louder. But they'll become louder in a more balanced way. Because self-acknowledgment is the beginning of healing. Self-compassion, self-love, self-empathy is the real beginning of healing. So that is what I want you to really work on. And I just want to say that I have a lot of compassion for you.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone: Change Needed!
Today I want to talk about all of you brave souls coping with change, and the stress that is created by the actual event of change. So many people will avoid change in order not to experience any kind of anxiety or stress. The problem with that is that often people in my office will express a deep dissatisfaction with their lives, because they have not changed the various things they need to change in their lives, so they stagnate and stagnate, staying in relationships that are way overdue, staying in jobs that are not satisfying, or staying in situations that are not good for them, or even harmful to them. But they say, “I would rather stay in this very clearly emotionally, sometimes physically, harmful situation, rather than risk change.” And I see it so often as the source of profound unhappiness. And I hear you! I am a human being, and I understand that change creates immense stress. In fact, some of the forefathers of my profession would agree that some of the biggest reasons for stress are change, so people avoid it.
What I find to be a key way for people to cope well with change is to employ a simple spiritual principle of being in the moment. What the mind does is ask, “What if this happens? What if that happens? What if I fail? What if I'm uncomfortable? What if I'm in pain? What if!” What if's are the paralyzer. They keep you from doing what your soul is craving. Clearly, dissatisfaction is the mother of change, the thing that motivates people to change. But people numb out to the dissatisfaction with drugs, or not being present, and they stay in situations that don't work for them. What ends up happening is that they're not happy with their lives, and they're not conscious of why. Be present and in the moment. Stay focused on the now. Put one foot in front of the other. Track your thoughts so that you don't let those thoughts get out of control. Allow yourself to make a small change, hold, assess, continue to make the next change, hold, assess, and you'll find you'll get to the other side very healthily, emotionally together, if you do it in a very clear, calm and present moment-oriented way. And I always recommend affirmations, meditation, deep breathing, so that you do serve your soul and go toward your life purpose, which inevitably is going to need change to accomplish that. Good luck with all the changes happening in your lives, because I'm telling you, right now I do believe the planets are aligned and people are ready for change!
What I find to be a key way for people to cope well with change is to employ a simple spiritual principle of being in the moment. What the mind does is ask, “What if this happens? What if that happens? What if I fail? What if I'm uncomfortable? What if I'm in pain? What if!” What if's are the paralyzer. They keep you from doing what your soul is craving. Clearly, dissatisfaction is the mother of change, the thing that motivates people to change. But people numb out to the dissatisfaction with drugs, or not being present, and they stay in situations that don't work for them. What ends up happening is that they're not happy with their lives, and they're not conscious of why. Be present and in the moment. Stay focused on the now. Put one foot in front of the other. Track your thoughts so that you don't let those thoughts get out of control. Allow yourself to make a small change, hold, assess, continue to make the next change, hold, assess, and you'll find you'll get to the other side very healthily, emotionally together, if you do it in a very clear, calm and present moment-oriented way. And I always recommend affirmations, meditation, deep breathing, so that you do serve your soul and go toward your life purpose, which inevitably is going to need change to accomplish that. Good luck with all the changes happening in your lives, because I'm telling you, right now I do believe the planets are aligned and people are ready for change!
New Article published!
Please check out my new article in Vitality Magazine
http://www.vitalitymagazine.com/sept09_nav1
Enjoy!!
Warmly, Victoria
http://www.vitalitymagazine.com/sept09_nav1
Enjoy!!
Warmly, Victoria
Monday, August 31, 2009
Are you putting people in a box?
“Are you putting people in a box?” In other words, are you rigidly thinking about the people in your life? I'm not just talking about anyone in your life; I'm talking about family and friends, people you're not easily going to let go of, people you need to be in a relationship with, either because they're step-children, or they're part of your husband's family, or some sort of relationship that is rather close, but where you've had issues in the distant past, and you're unable to move beyond that past. I'm thinking about a client of mine who has a step-daughter, and this client is really triggered about how that step-daughter relates to her dad, who is her husband. The trigger is, this kid is an adult now, but my client met her as a kid, and they were always struggling for respect, how she deals with her dad, taking things for granted, etc. And my client has never been able to overcome it. She rigidly puts this person in a box, therefore the relationship can never heal, resentment can never go away, and the situation will basically be static and never change.
What I want you to do is look at your intimate relationships or your family relationships especially, where you've had issues, and ask whether you're refusing to let the past go. Are you refusing to let how you see that person go? If you are, you're contributing to this relationship never moving beyond the past. When you do that, you're saying, “This person can't grow. This person is never changing,” and you don't know that. In the case of my client, I'm constantly encouraging her to realize that in a young person's life, ten years (when the incidents were more acute) is a long time, and this person has probably evolved. But when my client keeps dealing with the step-daughter as an enemy or combatant energy, there's no real chance for this relationship to heal. The question I have for my client, and for you, is “Are you invested in the conflict staying alive? Maybe you're invested in their never changing in your eyes.” Look at your ego, and look at what it is you're actually doing to contribute to a poor harmony with this person. As the holidays are here, you're going to be meeting up with family, friends and people part of your spouse's family, people you haven't seen in awhile, really ask yourself, “Can I look at the present moment, and how they are with me in the present, versus always fixating on the events of the past?” Be open to allowing the person to have changed! Be open to allowing the past to be done, and the present to being just what it is, just now, in the moment, neutral, dealing with the person in a more neutral way, as opposed to holding a grudge about the past constantly. That's one of the tips for getting through the holidays: not attaching to old stuff, and being willing to let go of it.
What I want you to do is look at your intimate relationships or your family relationships especially, where you've had issues, and ask whether you're refusing to let the past go. Are you refusing to let how you see that person go? If you are, you're contributing to this relationship never moving beyond the past. When you do that, you're saying, “This person can't grow. This person is never changing,” and you don't know that. In the case of my client, I'm constantly encouraging her to realize that in a young person's life, ten years (when the incidents were more acute) is a long time, and this person has probably evolved. But when my client keeps dealing with the step-daughter as an enemy or combatant energy, there's no real chance for this relationship to heal. The question I have for my client, and for you, is “Are you invested in the conflict staying alive? Maybe you're invested in their never changing in your eyes.” Look at your ego, and look at what it is you're actually doing to contribute to a poor harmony with this person. As the holidays are here, you're going to be meeting up with family, friends and people part of your spouse's family, people you haven't seen in awhile, really ask yourself, “Can I look at the present moment, and how they are with me in the present, versus always fixating on the events of the past?” Be open to allowing the person to have changed! Be open to allowing the past to be done, and the present to being just what it is, just now, in the moment, neutral, dealing with the person in a more neutral way, as opposed to holding a grudge about the past constantly. That's one of the tips for getting through the holidays: not attaching to old stuff, and being willing to let go of it.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Are You Choosing Partners that Mirror your Parents?
I often see people end up in relationships that, initially, they're very attracted to the person, but we find out later on in the relationship, when things start to go awry, that they remind them of their father, or their mother, or some familiar relationship in their childhood family-of-origin relationship patterning. And we call this imitation of the family schema, in my field. Imago is another thing you could google that would explain some of what I'm talking about. I just want to say that it is very common for people to wake up at a certain point in a relationship and find that they are in the middle of a very similar feeling of rejection that they might have felt from their father, and lo and behold, they're surprised that, yet again, they've chosen a man in their life, just as an example, who is rejecting and cold and emotionally distant. And they thought, my goodness! You know I was just working with a client the other day, “I've chosen a different kind of man. He's affable, he's social, he's not at all cold...”
Seemingly. But as we dig further into the relationship, as it's starting to fall apart, we realize that, my goodness, this has been a relationship where, this woman client of mine, is constantly trying to get the attention of her partner, to feel loved, feel seen, feel heard, feel the type of attention that she has now detected that she's been craving since she was at crib age, 2, 3 years old. So I thought that we should definitely put a video together about this because I see this so often: people choosing their partners in a very unconscious way, and they end up choosing partners who are just like their parents. So I'd like us to be extremely conscious of this, because once you start to wake up to this pattern, the likelihood is the future people, partners in your life, will be less about that kind of auto-pilot choosing of the parental schema. And then you will probably end up in a relationship that is quite different, because you've woken up, and you're aware, and with awareness comes choice, and with choice comes empowerment, and with empowerment comes the potential for deep happiness. And happiness in a way that you're able to share with a partner that is not recreating patterns, time in, time out, repetitive patterns from family of origin.
So I invite you to really look at the relationships in your life and analyze them, to see whether or not they are like your family, your parents, how you felt treated by your mother, how you felt treated by your father, and if they are, go about the business of entering into a therapeutic context where you can look at this. Also, write in your diary about it, so you become more and more aware, untangling any confusion that might be there for you. I wish you much success in your relationships.
Seemingly. But as we dig further into the relationship, as it's starting to fall apart, we realize that, my goodness, this has been a relationship where, this woman client of mine, is constantly trying to get the attention of her partner, to feel loved, feel seen, feel heard, feel the type of attention that she has now detected that she's been craving since she was at crib age, 2, 3 years old. So I thought that we should definitely put a video together about this because I see this so often: people choosing their partners in a very unconscious way, and they end up choosing partners who are just like their parents. So I'd like us to be extremely conscious of this, because once you start to wake up to this pattern, the likelihood is the future people, partners in your life, will be less about that kind of auto-pilot choosing of the parental schema. And then you will probably end up in a relationship that is quite different, because you've woken up, and you're aware, and with awareness comes choice, and with choice comes empowerment, and with empowerment comes the potential for deep happiness. And happiness in a way that you're able to share with a partner that is not recreating patterns, time in, time out, repetitive patterns from family of origin.
So I invite you to really look at the relationships in your life and analyze them, to see whether or not they are like your family, your parents, how you felt treated by your mother, how you felt treated by your father, and if they are, go about the business of entering into a therapeutic context where you can look at this. Also, write in your diary about it, so you become more and more aware, untangling any confusion that might be there for you. I wish you much success in your relationships.
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