Here we go again! Lovely yet daunting September! This is a month of new beginnings for those going to school. With the new semester comes the promise of new accomplishments, new goals, new contacts and new challenges. But also comes the reality of learning curves, expectations, unknowns and feeling out of one’s depth. This can be a shaky, chaotic time. We need to surrender to the wave of unknown so that the discomfort doesn’t take over the joy of life in the moment. Here are some key tools to help you navigate the emotional labyrinth of the new school year.
Tool #1 Stop scaring yourself!
Feelings of self doubt and anxiety may often come up when one is looking at the newness experience as one big giant mountain as opposed to one small hill at a time. That mountain is full of what if’s (What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? What if I don’t measure up? What if they are better than me?) It is all future worrying. And please don’t confuse future worrying with future planning. Future worrying is when you are imagining the future will be too difficult or too scary to cope. The over focusing on a negative future almost always will compromise a joyful present moment. It will send alarmist messaging to the brain and this will inevitable paralyze you. Get into the now! The present is all we have. Everything else does not really exist. It has either passed or is up for grabs in the future. If you look at it this way, the present moment is quite calm. In the present moment all is well. The present is simple. If you focus solely on this very moment and get your head out of the imagined negative future, you may find that you feel better almost immediately. The truth is we do not have control over much of anything including outcomes or other people. What we do have some control over is our thoughts (even though these are quite difficult to master, it is the one area of control that we could really focus on as a disciplined practice!) Right here and right now is perfect even if it is flawed. Embrace the now as you will find that there is always something to learn and to grow from in the almighty “now”.
Tool # 2 Breathe!!
If you are having trouble with anxiety I highly encourage you to HALT all. HALT is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. During a new school year students tend to burn the candle at both ends. Balance goes out the window. Eating properly, sleeping well, and over working can corrode a sense of balance and ease. Any one of these states can create overwhelm and can bring on anxiety. If this is plaguing your being, then it is time to stop and regroup!! Sit still and begin to breathe very slowly and very deeply. Deep, slow and conscious breathing is by far the simplest, cheapest and most effective tool that can quickly move the person to stimulate the relaxation response when in a heightened state of being. Breathing can begin the slow but sure journey of building the relaxation neural pathways in the brain that are crucial to interrupting the anxiety auto response. Getting used to catching oneself at the beginning of an anxiety state and then consciously and deliberately slowing down the breathing will slow the heart beat and the mind right down. This will then gently shift the focus back to a present moment safe space. The here and the now. There are many breathing techniques but a simple one to slow down the breathing is to slowly breathe in to a count of 3 and out to a count of 3. Slowly increase the count to 4 in and 4 out and 5 in and 5 out etc.
Tool #3 Ask yourself: What is the evidence to support that thought?
The mind will make up stories! And you will believe those stories, especially if you grew up with a family that loves to “catasrophize” life. Make a list of the things that are scaring you. Then sit and meditate on each one and really look at the logical evidence. You may find that you are actually not that accurate about that fearful thought. Ask yourself what is the evidence that does not support the worry and fear thoughts? Use logic and reality based thinking as much as possible. Find other more balanced thoughts about the situation. For each negative, fearful thought you discover write a paragraph or more that consists of the opposite, more balanced and empowered thought. This will train your mind to not go off on a major negativity rant that prevents you from feeling good about your life.
Tool # 4 Play nice with your inner child please.
When going through new adventures it is important to focus often on being very kind to the part of you that is scared. Do not bully that part by engaging in a cruel inner dialogue of “shoulds” and “musts” and judgmental-ness. This will only set you up for depression and despair. Instead of saying you should do this or that, say “I get” to do this or that. That way you begin to condition the mind to see new and unknown events as filled with possibility as opposed to filled with monsters and mountains. Talk to yourself often, as a kind and understanding parent who would always give you support no matter what is going on. You may be an adult but the hurt or deprived child within may be longing for comfort and encouragement in the face of the new unknowns you are facing. This will calm the mind and the spirit. Also this will motivate you to keep going as opposed to giving up.
Good luck with the new year and know you are only given what you can in fact handle. With every new year comes a multitude of possibilities. Enjoy the ride. Surrender to the new and embrace all that is coming. The universe is always conspiring in ways that are bringing you closer to your life purpose. Sending you love and light.
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tools to cope with Social Anxiety
Today I want to talk about something I'm getting a lot of letters about: social anxiety. A lot of people seem to suffer from it, and it can be paralyzing and crippling for many, at many levels, from shyness to deciding not to take a job or promotions for fear of talking publicly, not going out with friends, not doing family parties, not enjoying life: isolating, and life becomes smaller and smaller. And it's quite tragic, because there are strategies to handle this. But the roots of social anxiety are in the family of origin, from lack of support, or in the school system, there's bullying, acne, teasing, or sometimes it's just a chemical imbalance that causes cognitive distortions, so they're perceiving life differently than it is. So let's look at some key tools and strategies, and I encourage you to use them.
The first thing is, your brain is in fight or flight, and it perceives danger where there is no danger. The biochemistry is flowing in your system as if there were danger. In order to reverse that, something very simple: slow your breath down. When you're in a danger situation, your breath is shallow and fast, so you need to signal to the brain, “I am not in a danger situation,” and you need to reverse the perception, for instance with a deep breath in. Hold for a count of four, then slowly breath out. And you can do it through the nose, then mouth, but I like nose only. It's really powerful just to slow your breath down. Do 10-15 of those.
Secondly, an important strategy is to relax your muscles. There's a simple yogic way to do it: you tense a muscle, your arm for instance, tense, tense, tense, then relax. Then your other arm, each leg, then your whole body, and relax after each. This gets the body into a biochemical experience of releasing and relaxing. And you want to work with these two important tools of breathing and relaxing.
Number three: the cognitive. You need to identify the beliefs that are going on within you. You may be saying, “I'm going to say something stupid, so I may as well not go out,” or, “I'm going to drop something and look like a fool,” or, “I'm going to fall and people are going to make fun of me.” You need to identify the beliefs that exist and are coarsing through your brain, and the neural pathways, which are your beliefs, that are reinforcing the social anxiety. Write them all down. “I am afraid of being made fun of. I feel afraid of looking stupid.” Whatever they are. Write all of your feelings and thoughts down, and start to keep a journal of when they occur. “I go to the grocery store, and I feel this way, and this is the date. I go to the class, and this is what I feel, and the date.” Just get a log going so you can start to identify specifically when the social anxiety is occurring. Again, if you don't focus on what is wrong, you're never going to resolve it. So focus on it, and start to analyze when is it that your social anxiety shows up. And more importantly, what are the beliefs that are associated with that anxiety? Then I want you to go about a system of tracking these beliefs, and catching them as they are there, and speak with yourself rationally, as though you had a therapist dialoguing with you, and you need to ask yourself logically, “Am I 100% sure that I will be made fun of?” And clearly your answer needs to be no, because you're not 100% sure of just about anything. You're not sure that anyone is going to respond to you in any way. So you need to dialogue with yourself, take yourself through a process of understanding, “Is this realistic? Is this really going on? Is this something I'm really 100% certain of? Is my fear justified?” And write about that. Start to catch yourself, repeatedly, and rationally converse with yourself, in the moment you're feeling whatever you're feeling. The experience is that if you track and see what you're feeling, rather than just making it a huge monster, you're going to find that looking at it truly is going to make it a little less scary, and every time you do it, the fear will come down and down. So getting realistic thinking is very powerful, and reverses social anxiety.
The fourth tool: little by little, test yourself. Push the limits a little bit. While you're doing that, you're breathing deeply, and you're working with your muscles, so you're now coupling the situation that was once very scary to you, with a relaxation response, that is biochemically sending messages like, “There is no sabre-toothed tiger,” or, “There is no scary situation that is going to attack me.” So you need to work with yourself very patiently. I would also love to recommend fish oil: large doses of essential fatty acids, 2000-4000 mg, to help the brain calm. Also, Bach remedies has a wonderful remedy called “Rescue Remedy.” I recommend that you get a little spray bottle, and put a couple spray under your tongue when you're going out. It's got a variety of flower essences to bring the energy of anxiety down. Also, check out my Emotional Freedom Technique video on You Tube www.youtube.askvictora , which really helps to neutralize difficult emotions. I'm hoping that this will assist you, because all you have to do with social anxiety is focus, pay attention, and work to analyze, undo, cancel and correct those automatic responses that are not realistic.
The first thing is, your brain is in fight or flight, and it perceives danger where there is no danger. The biochemistry is flowing in your system as if there were danger. In order to reverse that, something very simple: slow your breath down. When you're in a danger situation, your breath is shallow and fast, so you need to signal to the brain, “I am not in a danger situation,” and you need to reverse the perception, for instance with a deep breath in. Hold for a count of four, then slowly breath out. And you can do it through the nose, then mouth, but I like nose only. It's really powerful just to slow your breath down. Do 10-15 of those.
Secondly, an important strategy is to relax your muscles. There's a simple yogic way to do it: you tense a muscle, your arm for instance, tense, tense, tense, then relax. Then your other arm, each leg, then your whole body, and relax after each. This gets the body into a biochemical experience of releasing and relaxing. And you want to work with these two important tools of breathing and relaxing.
Number three: the cognitive. You need to identify the beliefs that are going on within you. You may be saying, “I'm going to say something stupid, so I may as well not go out,” or, “I'm going to drop something and look like a fool,” or, “I'm going to fall and people are going to make fun of me.” You need to identify the beliefs that exist and are coarsing through your brain, and the neural pathways, which are your beliefs, that are reinforcing the social anxiety. Write them all down. “I am afraid of being made fun of. I feel afraid of looking stupid.” Whatever they are. Write all of your feelings and thoughts down, and start to keep a journal of when they occur. “I go to the grocery store, and I feel this way, and this is the date. I go to the class, and this is what I feel, and the date.” Just get a log going so you can start to identify specifically when the social anxiety is occurring. Again, if you don't focus on what is wrong, you're never going to resolve it. So focus on it, and start to analyze when is it that your social anxiety shows up. And more importantly, what are the beliefs that are associated with that anxiety? Then I want you to go about a system of tracking these beliefs, and catching them as they are there, and speak with yourself rationally, as though you had a therapist dialoguing with you, and you need to ask yourself logically, “Am I 100% sure that I will be made fun of?” And clearly your answer needs to be no, because you're not 100% sure of just about anything. You're not sure that anyone is going to respond to you in any way. So you need to dialogue with yourself, take yourself through a process of understanding, “Is this realistic? Is this really going on? Is this something I'm really 100% certain of? Is my fear justified?” And write about that. Start to catch yourself, repeatedly, and rationally converse with yourself, in the moment you're feeling whatever you're feeling. The experience is that if you track and see what you're feeling, rather than just making it a huge monster, you're going to find that looking at it truly is going to make it a little less scary, and every time you do it, the fear will come down and down. So getting realistic thinking is very powerful, and reverses social anxiety.
The fourth tool: little by little, test yourself. Push the limits a little bit. While you're doing that, you're breathing deeply, and you're working with your muscles, so you're now coupling the situation that was once very scary to you, with a relaxation response, that is biochemically sending messages like, “There is no sabre-toothed tiger,” or, “There is no scary situation that is going to attack me.” So you need to work with yourself very patiently. I would also love to recommend fish oil: large doses of essential fatty acids, 2000-4000 mg, to help the brain calm. Also, Bach remedies has a wonderful remedy called “Rescue Remedy.” I recommend that you get a little spray bottle, and put a couple spray under your tongue when you're going out. It's got a variety of flower essences to bring the energy of anxiety down. Also, check out my Emotional Freedom Technique video on You Tube www.youtube.askvictora , which really helps to neutralize difficult emotions. I'm hoping that this will assist you, because all you have to do with social anxiety is focus, pay attention, and work to analyze, undo, cancel and correct those automatic responses that are not realistic.
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