Here we go again! Lovely yet daunting September! This is a month of new beginnings for those going to school. With the new semester comes the promise of new accomplishments, new goals, new contacts and new challenges. But also comes the reality of learning curves, expectations, unknowns and feeling out of one’s depth. This can be a shaky, chaotic time. We need to surrender to the wave of unknown so that the discomfort doesn’t take over the joy of life in the moment. Here are some key tools to help you navigate the emotional labyrinth of the new school year.
Tool #1 Stop scaring yourself!
Feelings of self doubt and anxiety may often come up when one is looking at the newness experience as one big giant mountain as opposed to one small hill at a time. That mountain is full of what if’s (What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? What if I don’t measure up? What if they are better than me?) It is all future worrying. And please don’t confuse future worrying with future planning. Future worrying is when you are imagining the future will be too difficult or too scary to cope. The over focusing on a negative future almost always will compromise a joyful present moment. It will send alarmist messaging to the brain and this will inevitable paralyze you. Get into the now! The present is all we have. Everything else does not really exist. It has either passed or is up for grabs in the future. If you look at it this way, the present moment is quite calm. In the present moment all is well. The present is simple. If you focus solely on this very moment and get your head out of the imagined negative future, you may find that you feel better almost immediately. The truth is we do not have control over much of anything including outcomes or other people. What we do have some control over is our thoughts (even though these are quite difficult to master, it is the one area of control that we could really focus on as a disciplined practice!) Right here and right now is perfect even if it is flawed. Embrace the now as you will find that there is always something to learn and to grow from in the almighty “now”.
Tool # 2 Breathe!!
If you are having trouble with anxiety I highly encourage you to HALT all. HALT is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. During a new school year students tend to burn the candle at both ends. Balance goes out the window. Eating properly, sleeping well, and over working can corrode a sense of balance and ease. Any one of these states can create overwhelm and can bring on anxiety. If this is plaguing your being, then it is time to stop and regroup!! Sit still and begin to breathe very slowly and very deeply. Deep, slow and conscious breathing is by far the simplest, cheapest and most effective tool that can quickly move the person to stimulate the relaxation response when in a heightened state of being. Breathing can begin the slow but sure journey of building the relaxation neural pathways in the brain that are crucial to interrupting the anxiety auto response. Getting used to catching oneself at the beginning of an anxiety state and then consciously and deliberately slowing down the breathing will slow the heart beat and the mind right down. This will then gently shift the focus back to a present moment safe space. The here and the now. There are many breathing techniques but a simple one to slow down the breathing is to slowly breathe in to a count of 3 and out to a count of 3. Slowly increase the count to 4 in and 4 out and 5 in and 5 out etc.
Tool #3 Ask yourself: What is the evidence to support that thought?
The mind will make up stories! And you will believe those stories, especially if you grew up with a family that loves to “catasrophize” life. Make a list of the things that are scaring you. Then sit and meditate on each one and really look at the logical evidence. You may find that you are actually not that accurate about that fearful thought. Ask yourself what is the evidence that does not support the worry and fear thoughts? Use logic and reality based thinking as much as possible. Find other more balanced thoughts about the situation. For each negative, fearful thought you discover write a paragraph or more that consists of the opposite, more balanced and empowered thought. This will train your mind to not go off on a major negativity rant that prevents you from feeling good about your life.
Tool # 4 Play nice with your inner child please.
When going through new adventures it is important to focus often on being very kind to the part of you that is scared. Do not bully that part by engaging in a cruel inner dialogue of “shoulds” and “musts” and judgmental-ness. This will only set you up for depression and despair. Instead of saying you should do this or that, say “I get” to do this or that. That way you begin to condition the mind to see new and unknown events as filled with possibility as opposed to filled with monsters and mountains. Talk to yourself often, as a kind and understanding parent who would always give you support no matter what is going on. You may be an adult but the hurt or deprived child within may be longing for comfort and encouragement in the face of the new unknowns you are facing. This will calm the mind and the spirit. Also this will motivate you to keep going as opposed to giving up.
Good luck with the new year and know you are only given what you can in fact handle. With every new year comes a multitude of possibilities. Enjoy the ride. Surrender to the new and embrace all that is coming. The universe is always conspiring in ways that are bringing you closer to your life purpose. Sending you love and light.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Good Boundaries: The Key to Loving Yourself!
Boundaries and Self esteem are inextricably related. Having good boundaries is a sign that you are treating yourself as if you have value and therefore your feelings, needs, and preferences all matter. We are seldom taught within the context of childhood that we have a right to say no or to our privacy. In the interest of the group the “No” is often socialized out of the child. In some families we learn very early that the only way to get along is to comply and to subjugate our own individual needs and preferences in favour of the needs of the greater group.. the family.
Usually one of two states of being may evolve. Either one becomes very rebellious toward any authority figures (too rigid) or one becomes very conforming and compliant (aka having no boundaries). Neither scenario serves the person well. In the case of the rebellious one, usually they are cutting their nose to spite their face in that they are rejecting all advice; all interference in the name of staking their territory that they have felt had been usurped for too many years. Conversely, when one is too compliant usually others do not take the person seriously and then they end up feeling used and devoid of authenticity.
Becoming a fully balanced adult requires that you leave the past family dynamics behind and begin to see yourself as having the right to occupy space, have feelings, say no, say yes and be authentically yourself (aka having boundaries). And to do that you do not have to be completely rigid. You can assess things on a case by case basis. With good boundaries, you are allowing yourself the space and the time to feel a situation out, pause, and then respond according to your deepest authentic inner knowing.
Sometimes setting a boundary may feel strange due to a lack of habit. You may feel guilty that you are not pleasing the other person or that you are hurting their feelings. The truth is that practice is needed and also a commitment to delivering boundaries in a clear yet kind way is crucial. This will help the guilt feelings that may ensue from engaging in new boundary setting behaviour. Also it is important to really know that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings no matter what you were taught as a child. It is nearly impossible to venture into boundary setting territory and to also take care of other people’s emotions. All you can do is be calm and try and communicate in a gentle and loving manner. Being consistent and having follow- through will be the key to success in this touchy arena. Mixed messaging will only detract from your goal of being heard and respected.
Visualization works! Take a few moments to breathe deeply and visualize strength coming into your being. Visualize yourself being strong like an oak tree prior to setting a boundary in a difficult situation. See your spine and your body totally embodying the energy of a very large, wise, oak tree. Say this affirmation many times while looking in the mirror: “I have the right to my feelings, my needs, my boundaries and my space. I am strong, valuable and precious.”
Baby steps are the key. With time you will embrace the notion that you have a right to your boundaries. Others will hear the message that you are someone that has self esteem and self value. Eventually you will move into to a new normal of the new behaviour and you will feel a sense of freedom that you will cherish and protect.
Usually one of two states of being may evolve. Either one becomes very rebellious toward any authority figures (too rigid) or one becomes very conforming and compliant (aka having no boundaries). Neither scenario serves the person well. In the case of the rebellious one, usually they are cutting their nose to spite their face in that they are rejecting all advice; all interference in the name of staking their territory that they have felt had been usurped for too many years. Conversely, when one is too compliant usually others do not take the person seriously and then they end up feeling used and devoid of authenticity.
Becoming a fully balanced adult requires that you leave the past family dynamics behind and begin to see yourself as having the right to occupy space, have feelings, say no, say yes and be authentically yourself (aka having boundaries). And to do that you do not have to be completely rigid. You can assess things on a case by case basis. With good boundaries, you are allowing yourself the space and the time to feel a situation out, pause, and then respond according to your deepest authentic inner knowing.
Sometimes setting a boundary may feel strange due to a lack of habit. You may feel guilty that you are not pleasing the other person or that you are hurting their feelings. The truth is that practice is needed and also a commitment to delivering boundaries in a clear yet kind way is crucial. This will help the guilt feelings that may ensue from engaging in new boundary setting behaviour. Also it is important to really know that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings no matter what you were taught as a child. It is nearly impossible to venture into boundary setting territory and to also take care of other people’s emotions. All you can do is be calm and try and communicate in a gentle and loving manner. Being consistent and having follow- through will be the key to success in this touchy arena. Mixed messaging will only detract from your goal of being heard and respected.
Visualization works! Take a few moments to breathe deeply and visualize strength coming into your being. Visualize yourself being strong like an oak tree prior to setting a boundary in a difficult situation. See your spine and your body totally embodying the energy of a very large, wise, oak tree. Say this affirmation many times while looking in the mirror: “I have the right to my feelings, my needs, my boundaries and my space. I am strong, valuable and precious.”
Baby steps are the key. With time you will embrace the notion that you have a right to your boundaries. Others will hear the message that you are someone that has self esteem and self value. Eventually you will move into to a new normal of the new behaviour and you will feel a sense of freedom that you will cherish and protect.
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