Are you putting people in a box?

“Are you putting people in a box?” In other words, are you rigidly thinking about the people in your life? I'm not just talking about anyone in your life; I'm talking about family and friends, people you're not easily going to let go of, people you need to be in a relationship with, either because they're step-children, or they're part of your husband's family, or some sort of relationship that is rather close, but where you've had issues in the distant past, and you're unable to move beyond that past. I'm thinking about a client of mine who has a step-daughter, and this client is really triggered about how that step-daughter relates to her dad, who is her husband. The trigger is, this kid is an adult now, but my client met her as a kid, and they were always struggling for respect, how she deals with her dad, taking things for granted, etc. And my client has never been able to overcome it. She rigidly puts this person in a box, therefore the relationship can never heal, resentment can never go away, and the situation will basically be static and never change.
What I want you to do is look at your intimate relationships or your family relationships especially, where you've had issues, and ask whether you're refusing to let the past go. Are you refusing to let how you see that person go? If you are, you're contributing to this relationship never moving beyond the past. When you do that, you're saying, “This person can't grow. This person is never changing,” and you don't know that. In the case of my client, I'm constantly encouraging her to realize that in a young person's life, ten years (when the incidents were more acute) is a long time, and this person has probably evolved. But when my client keeps dealing with the step-daughter as an enemy or combatant energy, there's no real chance for this relationship to heal. The question I have for my client, and for you, is “Are you invested in the conflict staying alive? Maybe you're invested in their never changing in your eyes.” Look at your ego, and look at what it is you're actually doing to contribute to a poor harmony with this person. As the holidays are here, you're going to be meeting up with family, friends and people part of your spouse's family, people you haven't seen in awhile, really ask yourself, “Can I look at the present moment, and how they are with me in the present, versus always fixating on the events of the past?” Be open to allowing the person to have changed! Be open to allowing the past to be done, and the present to being just what it is, just now, in the moment, neutral, dealing with the person in a more neutral way, as opposed to holding a grudge about the past constantly. That's one of the tips for getting through the holidays: not attaching to old stuff, and being willing to let go of it.

Are You Choosing Partners that Mirror your Parents?

I often see people end up in relationships that, initially, they're very attracted to the person, but we find out later on in the relationship, when things start to go awry, that they remind them of their father, or their mother, or some familiar relationship in their childhood family-of-origin relationship patterning. And we call this imitation of the family schema, in my field. Imago is another thing you could google that would explain some of what I'm talking about. I just want to say that it is very common for people to wake up at a certain point in a relationship and find that they are in the middle of a very similar feeling of rejection that they might have felt from their father, and lo and behold, they're surprised that, yet again, they've chosen a man in their life, just as an example, who is rejecting and cold and emotionally distant. And they thought, my goodness! You know I was just working with a client the other day, “I've chosen a different kind of man. He's affable, he's social, he's not at all cold...”
Seemingly. But as we dig further into the relationship, as it's starting to fall apart, we realize that, my goodness, this has been a relationship where, this woman client of mine, is constantly trying to get the attention of her partner, to feel loved, feel seen, feel heard, feel the type of attention that she has now detected that she's been craving since she was at crib age, 2, 3 years old. So I thought that we should definitely put a video together about this because I see this so often: people choosing their partners in a very unconscious way, and they end up choosing partners who are just like their parents. So I'd like us to be extremely conscious of this, because once you start to wake up to this pattern, the likelihood is the future people, partners in your life, will be less about that kind of auto-pilot choosing of the parental schema. And then you will probably end up in a relationship that is quite different, because you've woken up, and you're aware, and with awareness comes choice, and with choice comes empowerment, and with empowerment comes the potential for deep happiness. And happiness in a way that you're able to share with a partner that is not recreating patterns, time in, time out, repetitive patterns from family of origin.
So I invite you to really look at the relationships in your life and analyze them, to see whether or not they are like your family, your parents, how you felt treated by your mother, how you felt treated by your father, and if they are, go about the business of entering into a therapeutic context where you can look at this. Also, write in your diary about it, so you become more and more aware, untangling any confusion that might be there for you. I wish you much success in your relationships.

Defensiveness: Relationship killer!

Today I'd like to talk about something that I see chronically in people and their relationships, and it's called being defensive. It can ruin relationships, reputations, basically peacefulness and joy within. I want you to understand, firstly, what defensiveness is all about. Usually, defensiveness will look like sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, a need to immediately correct someone or respond with an explanation that's very pointed. Often, it is not received very positively I'm here to tell you! Essentially, if you stop and feel what's actually going on, you'll usually find that the need to be defensive, to correct someone, often comes from a fear of abandonment, rejection, being gossiped about or ostracized on some level (the rejection piece). It often occurs as an auto-pilot response. The person isn't measuring their words; they're just blurting them out. It can be very off-putting, especially in work situations, and in love relationships.
When you're being defensive it's actually not necessary. Sometimes the person you're perceiving as attacking or invading is actually not; they're just making a comment that triggers you, and the trigger is usually a feeling that somehow you're inadequate, or you're going to be judged or rejected or abandoned for that inadequacy. So that defensiveness is a superiority feeling covering up an inferiority, insecurity feeling.
So I want you to be very aware that defensiveness ought to be corrected, because it does not serve you most often. And the way to correct it is, number one: stop the auto-pilot reaction. That means calm yourself and breathe, and not respond immediately: count one, two, three (internally, obviously), four, five, before you make a decision to respond, and not just respond automatically. This is something I see often, and it causes rifts and problems, and people perceive the defensive person as rather touchy, having more boundaries than they actually need. This is something that I observe as a problem for people, and that is why I'm doing a video about it. The solution is to breathe, not respond automatically; acknowledge what you're feeling: hurt, afraid of rejection or some sort of negative thing that you're perceiving from that other person. The acknowledgment will reduce the power of the need to be defensive. It will actually empower you, because you're in your truth, and whenever you're in your truth, there's more power in you. Defensiveness is actually quite disempowered, because you're trying to shut someone down. But in the end, you've got a lot of repercussions: guilty feelings, remorse for that aggressive response. So take this video, if you are defensive and are being told that you're being defensive, and try to take the steps of breathing, not responding immediately, and acknowledging your true feelings that are underneath this need to be reactive.