Are you putting people in a box?

“Are you putting people in a box?” In other words, are you rigidly thinking about the people in your life? I'm not just talking about anyone in your life; I'm talking about family and friends, people you're not easily going to let go of, people you need to be in a relationship with, either because they're step-children, or they're part of your husband's family, or some sort of relationship that is rather close, but where you've had issues in the distant past, and you're unable to move beyond that past. I'm thinking about a client of mine who has a step-daughter, and this client is really triggered about how that step-daughter relates to her dad, who is her husband. The trigger is, this kid is an adult now, but my client met her as a kid, and they were always struggling for respect, how she deals with her dad, taking things for granted, etc. And my client has never been able to overcome it. She rigidly puts this person in a box, therefore the relationship can never heal, resentment can never go away, and the situation will basically be static and never change.
What I want you to do is look at your intimate relationships or your family relationships especially, where you've had issues, and ask whether you're refusing to let the past go. Are you refusing to let how you see that person go? If you are, you're contributing to this relationship never moving beyond the past. When you do that, you're saying, “This person can't grow. This person is never changing,” and you don't know that. In the case of my client, I'm constantly encouraging her to realize that in a young person's life, ten years (when the incidents were more acute) is a long time, and this person has probably evolved. But when my client keeps dealing with the step-daughter as an enemy or combatant energy, there's no real chance for this relationship to heal. The question I have for my client, and for you, is “Are you invested in the conflict staying alive? Maybe you're invested in their never changing in your eyes.” Look at your ego, and look at what it is you're actually doing to contribute to a poor harmony with this person. As the holidays are here, you're going to be meeting up with family, friends and people part of your spouse's family, people you haven't seen in awhile, really ask yourself, “Can I look at the present moment, and how they are with me in the present, versus always fixating on the events of the past?” Be open to allowing the person to have changed! Be open to allowing the past to be done, and the present to being just what it is, just now, in the moment, neutral, dealing with the person in a more neutral way, as opposed to holding a grudge about the past constantly. That's one of the tips for getting through the holidays: not attaching to old stuff, and being willing to let go of it.