Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage

Today I would like to speak a little about being the child of a narcissistic parent. Primarily I have gotten some letters from adult children of narcissistic parents. Narcissistic personality disorder is along the lines of borderline personality disorder. Essentially, in this disorder, the person is extremely superiority oriented, and has difficulty receiving any kind of criticism. They think of themselves as better than anyone else. Very self-centred, self-involved, in a very extreme way. We all have self-involved ways of being, but this is an extreme sort of way of being. It's very volatile; it's dramatic, emotional, you never know what's coming at them; the person's up, they're down, they're depressed, they're screaming, they're yelling; their problems are the centre; their emotions are the centre of the room, and nobody else's emotions or feelings really matter to that person very much. They have a real difficult time in relationships. They feel victimized usually. They feel basically that their needs, their wants, their experience, are the only things that matters. They have a really tough time empathizing with others, and in my field, the ability to empathize and have compassion for another person indicates a person coming into mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
So I want to address being the child of a narcissistic parent. As you can imagine, what I'm describing this is extremely difficult. And these people, children of narcissists, generally feel there's always something missing within them. Not only that, they're looking for their self—where is their self? They've been surrounded by either one or two parents—usually a narcissist will attract another narcissist, interestingly enough—and it is a perpetuating cycle. But these are people who have grown up not knowing what their feelings are. They have always experienced the environment with the parent's feelings as the most important thing, and their own feelings have taken a back seat. So children of narcissists feel like the outsiders in their own families. They're people-pleasers. They sometimes sabotage their own self in order to please others, as you can imagine the pattern of the parent being the most important person in the room. They're not interested really in taking care of themselves, because the kid has realized that in order to get some attention, some affection, some something, they're going to have to play the game of the narcissistic parent. So in order to fit into that particular model, they've got to do whatever is right for the parent. And usually that means that they completely lose their sense of what is right for them, and they grow up as individuals in the adult world, in relationships, often either completely lost in terms of their own needs, or they themselves become narcissistic in a bid to survive, and in a bid to find some sort of voice, so the only way they know how to do that is by imitation of the narcissistic parent.
Often the narcissistic parent will mock the child, as they are having feelings, or interrupt the child as they're speaking, so the child of the narcissist will often feel like they can never get a word in edgewise, they can never feel heard, they can never feel seen. It is very painful—frankly, these people call themselves survivors, survivors of the narcissistic parent. It is very, very painful, and I really want to acknowledge everyone out there who has been the child of the narcissistic parent or parents.
You have to watch for a few things. Number one, you have to watch that you yourself are not attracting into your relationships narcissists as well. Because, as I've stated in other videos, we tend to repeat and mirror in our adult relationships our parental issues, in a bid to resolve them, in a bid to fix them in some way, in a bid to understand them. So watch that you're not bringing into your life other personality disorders that are similar to your parents'. And also watch that you yourself are not becoming narcissistic—become aware. So a lot of the tools to handle all of this would be, as an adult, realize that you no longer have to be at the mercy of your parents' narcissistic whims and narcissistic ways of being. You can start to shut that piece off inside you with awareness, and be very present, and in the moment within you, so that you say to yourself, “Am I being reasonable in this fight? Or am I being overly demanding? Or am I in a relationship that is just like my mother and father?” And if so, take stock. I encourage you to begin to write a journal and note-take, as you notice everything around you, and ask, are you yourself narcissistic? Or are you in a relationship with a narcissist, or are you suffering from the results, the ravages in the form of depression, in the form of not knowing yourself, not knowing your voice, not knowing who you are, not knowing what it is you need and want in your relationships? And begin very slowly to whisper those clear needs and wants within you. Soon, those needs and wants will become louder. But they'll become louder in a more balanced way. Because self-acknowledgment is the beginning of healing. Self-compassion, self-love, self-empathy is the real beginning of healing. So that is what I want you to really work on. And I just want to say that I have a lot of compassion for you.