Good Boundaries: The Key to Loving Yourself!

Boundaries and Self esteem are inextricably related. Having good boundaries is a sign that you are treating yourself as if you have value and therefore your feelings, needs, and preferences all matter. We are seldom taught within the context of childhood that we have a right to say no or to our privacy. In the interest of the group the “No” is often socialized out of the child. In some families we learn very early that the only way to get along is to comply and to subjugate our own individual needs and preferences in favour of the needs of the greater group.. the family.
Usually one of two states of being may evolve. Either one becomes very rebellious toward any authority figures (too rigid) or one becomes very conforming and compliant (aka having no boundaries). Neither scenario serves the person well. In the case of the rebellious one, usually they are cutting their nose to spite their face in that they are rejecting all advice; all interference in the name of staking their territory that they have felt had been usurped for too many years. Conversely, when one is too compliant usually others do not take the person seriously and then they end up feeling used and devoid of authenticity.
Becoming a fully balanced adult requires that you leave the past family dynamics behind and begin to see yourself as having the right to occupy space, have feelings, say no, say yes and be authentically yourself (aka having boundaries). And to do that you do not have to be completely rigid. You can assess things on a case by case basis. With good boundaries, you are allowing yourself the space and the time to feel a situation out, pause, and then respond according to your deepest authentic inner knowing.
Sometimes setting a boundary may feel strange due to a lack of habit. You may feel guilty that you are not pleasing the other person or that you are hurting their feelings. The truth is that practice is needed and also a commitment to delivering boundaries in a clear yet kind way is crucial. This will help the guilt feelings that may ensue from engaging in new boundary setting behaviour. Also it is important to really know that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings no matter what you were taught as a child. It is nearly impossible to venture into boundary setting territory and to also take care of other people’s emotions. All you can do is be calm and try and communicate in a gentle and loving manner. Being consistent and having follow- through will be the key to success in this touchy arena. Mixed messaging will only detract from your goal of being heard and respected.
Visualization works! Take a few moments to breathe deeply and visualize strength coming into your being. Visualize yourself being strong like an oak tree prior to setting a boundary in a difficult situation. See your spine and your body totally embodying the energy of a very large, wise, oak tree. Say this affirmation many times while looking in the mirror: “I have the right to my feelings, my needs, my boundaries and my space. I am strong, valuable and precious.”
Baby steps are the key. With time you will embrace the notion that you have a right to your boundaries. Others will hear the message that you are someone that has self esteem and self value. Eventually you will move into to a new normal of the new behaviour and you will feel a sense of freedom that you will cherish and protect.